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Mommy-ing

  • Mommy-ing

    Why I Was Afraid to Share My Pregnancy News at Work

    So, I’m 17 weeks pregnancy, or was at the time this post was written. I’m currently 23 weeks. Yes. He’s coming fast, but I digress. One of the motifs of this experience was fear with a special side of being afraid of people knowing. It took me months to tell family, framily, and friends. The underling reasons for my privacy were not positive, but after thinking about faith, I quickly got over my concerns and began celebrating.

    Testimony:

    17 weeks into this thing and my co-workers were buzzing. Two days ago after having a conversation with two co-workers about something unrelated, one of them goes, “you can’t stress because we have to keep that baby happy.” Mortified and surprised, all I could do was laugh. She asked, why are you laughing. Me: I haven’t been telling anyone. Her: I thought everyone knew. Second lady: smiling, yes, ma’am you’ve popped. That is when I realized I was showing. It was weird. I noticed my belly growing, but ultimately when I look in the mirror, I didn’t see any major changes. Depending on my clothing, there is no evidence all together.

    A few days later, after using the bathroom another co-worker goes, “when are you due?” At this point, the cat is all the way out the bag. Previously, I noticed the direct stares at my torso. I felt like I should randomly sing “Love on Top” at bus duty, drop the mic, and rub my baby bump for confirmation. That might be much, but why am I so afraid to share my good news? Most women need no reason at all to share, but me I’m Beyonce with the information.

    Break it down, B:

    Reason 1: I was afraid my administration would switch my classes.

    After 4 years of teaching, I’ve paid my dues and I feel so blessed to finally be teaching the courses I always wanted. Two courses are advance year long literature classes. The other is English 4, or 12 grade English. All seniors. Stress, but no real worries or behavioral issues. I felt blessed especially because I know I will need as little stress as possible during the final months of my pregnancy. Yet for some bizarre reason I’m worried my administration will take the courses away from me due to maternity leave.

    Reason 2: There is no ring on my finger.

    Now, I know this reason is judgmental toward myself, but the reality is, I always imagined being married first and having the entire package. While my love, partner, and at this point baby’s father is very much in the picture our relationship is secure and strong, and my ring could already be hidden in the house somewhere, it initially bothered me that things were happening backwards from my own plans.

    Reason 3: I don’t think there is a reason 3.

    On the contrary, as I’m writing this, I feel answers to my worries. In reference to reason 1, I used the phrase, “I am blessed” to finally get to teach the classes I always wanted. I also discussed the perfect alignment between my pregnancy and having a less stressful workload. I’m not one to believe in coincidences, so the fact God has provided stressless classes proves s/he is already working on my behalf. Second, if I feel blessed to have the course after all my hard due paying work, I should not expect the blessing to be taken away. God is in the blessing business not the opposite. Since the original draft of this post, I have even been promoted to lead the English 4 team and write the curriculum for the entire year. God is working. It’s up to me to trust the process.(Matthews 6: 33-34)

    In reference to reason 2, in time my vision will come together. I rather continue to cultivate something real than, be married for obligation, or be married too soon, have children, become unhappy, and pay divorce lawyers and court a grip. In the meantime, eff it, life happens, and quite frankly the joy I feel to be giving life outweighs my self-inflicted shame

    Lastly, ain’t no hiding. The baby is happy and telling it all. With that, I will say it loud. I’m bumping and I’m proud.

    Pay Homage:

    Unbow your head sister.

    from, If Beale Street Could talk

    Facts:

    1. We only worry when faith is absent.
    2. God’s plan, is the plan.
    3. Oh what a joy it is to live.

    Salute:

    Thank you for reading!

    Be Classic & Don’t forget to subscribe!

  • Mommy-ing

    I’m Pregnant and My Life is Over!

    I’m pregnant and my life is over. At least that’s how some family members and peers see the news. Let me tell you something. Growing up the word “pregnancy” was next to a curse word. It’s wild. At almost 30 and flourishing in my career(s), pregnancy is still a curse word that needs to be whispered. But, what I say to the naysayers is this: suck a toe and here’s why.

    Testimony:

    First of all, I’m pregnant with a beautiful baby boy!

    I’m elated. The joy I felt after reading the pee stick was incomparable. The GIF above is close, but still does not illustrate the feeling. Seeing my baby bump grow every day continues to fuel that joy. I can’t even concentrate at work. I’ll be honest. I keep day dreaming about my baby and his needs. Its amazing. Especially because I was told I would have a difficult time conceiving. I’m off topic, but bare with me. Naturally, my joy competes with my apprehensions. I questioned, can I continue to pursue my dreams? Can I still travel with my partner? Can we continue to live the fulfilling lives and reach our goals as a unit as we planned? Will I still be sexy after? I thought about it all. And yet, every question leads to the answer: Yes and you are blessed.

    Yet and still my community does not take this news in the same manner as I. Instead, I was met with comments such as,”I hope you did all that you wanted to do” and “your life is over. Or some family members who still have not talked to me since learning my news. The shit is trippy. Furthermore, I resent these comments for making me dig back into my bag of apprehensions and questioning the blessing. Nonetheless, I had to learn to tell the naysayers to suck a silent dick.(Matthew 10: 18-20)

    Break it down, B:

    I am a pre-mother at this point, so I don’t 100 percent know if what these negative Nancy’s are saying is true, but what I do know is me. What I do know is this entire experience is a blessing. What I do know is some women can’t do this or will have a hard time doing this, and God and this baby chose me–us to be parents. I do know that God’s will and purpose is divine and intentional. Whereas, this could have happened in my life in the past, but God—because there is no baby without sperm, egg, and God’s magic wand—blessed me with this gift at this point in time.

    Therefore, there is a reason. Therefore, it is time for me to become a mother for only God knows why. I do know that I continuously ask for God’s will to manifest in my life. I do know that I continuously ask for God to help refine and shape me into the woman I am destined to be. And one answer to those prayers seems to be, having a child as a part of my “becoming” process. I do know that my baby is already giving me a new mindset. I do know that my baby is the gas to my other wise declining drive. I do know this new responsibility will be scary, beautiful, exhausting and magnificent. I do know I’ve never felt more peace with who I am and where my life is headed until I look at the life that is growing inside me and around me as me and my love build our family and dreams together.

    I’ll leave with this. Sis, if you’re reading and you have gone through or is going through this right now, you are not alone despite the fact pregnancy can feel lonely. Know your beautiful self. Having this child and the experience connected to it will be what you make it.

    The truth is our lives as we know it is over, but God is creating a space for something more glorious. With that, if you stop pursuing your dreams and goals, then you stop. If you continue to make things happen for yourself, then they will happen. You have the power to make that happen or not. Having this baby is a part of your ever evolving life. What happens forward, though it will be difficult, is up to you. Ultimately, sis, you are blessed, for there is no greater gift than the ability to give life. Enjoy the process. Enjoy the journey. Enjoy what you are becoming.

    Pag Homage:

    I believe the choice to become a mother is the choice to become one of the greatest spiritual teachers there is.

    Oprah Winfrey

    Facts:

    1. Motherhood is both difficult and breathtaking.
    2. Every one has the right to experience life in the manner which makes them happy.
    3. Naysayers can eat a toe. Live your life boo.

    Salute:

    Thanks for reading!

    Be classic and don’t forget to subscribe.